Connected Community (The Church)

Nearly a thousand men recently gathered at a conference that was designed to connect men in real, authentic relationships. I know the leaders of the conference. They are aware that one thousand men sitting face forward in a large convention center listening to a speaker is not the definition of connecting. They also know that meaningful friendships develop only during one-on-one conversations or in small groups where men relate authentically with each other, which few men actually do. And the conference organizers realize that courage — the kind of courage that frees men to move deeply into other people’s lives — grows in connected community.

The conference was meant to serve as a launching pad into a new kind of relating for men. But I came away from that event wondering if the men had a clear idea of what masculine relating looks like. It occurred to me that, in order for men to speak into the lives of their spouse, children, friends, and colleagues, three things were needed.

1. Men need a vision of what it means to come alive as men in relationships.
2. Men need to know, recognize, and be willing to talk about the obstacles to living the vision — the fears and wounds and stubbornness that get in the way of becoming alive in their manhood.
3. Men need to be able to identify a well-marked pathway that will lead them into the meaning and satisfaction of living fully alive as men.

Allow me to elaborate on these three needs by telling you about a few of the men I met at the conference.

I met a young entrepreneur who is making it big: position, recognition, power, and money. He asked me why he felt so driven to climb the ladder to the top. This sincere young man needs to know that in the middle of legitimate business success, he must aim higher. He needs to see a vision of what it means to be a success as a man who bears the image of a relational God. As we thought together about such a vision, he openly acknowledged, “This way of thinking is new to me.”

I spoke with a middle-aged high school teacher who likes his work and is well liked by his students. He was twice up for teacher of the year in his school district. Perhaps because I’m a psychologist, he let me know that his marriage is not strong and that he struggles often with feeling empty and seeing himself as a failure. He had no idea what was wrong with his marriage or why he was feeling such painful emotions. He needs to understand what is going on in his heart and soul that is getting in the way of living in the joy of manhood, as a husband and teacher.

A retired CEO of a multi-billion dollar company approached me. He stays active in what he is good at, consulting, and with what he would like to do well, mentoring. With deep passion, he told me he feels a chronic undercurrent of despair — he called it angst — that he cannot explain or manage. He needs to find a path that runs through his dark night with the promise of light ahead.

Do you recognize your own experience in any of these stories?

The book you’re about to read paints a vision of true masculinity, of what it looks like to reveal the character of God by the way you relate. It grapples honestly with what all men struggle with and most deny, all the “inner-world” wounds, inadequacies, and proud competitiveness that block men from living the vision. And it calls men to a path that the Bible lays out for men to walk, a path they will want to walk when they see a vision of who they could become. It’s a path that leads to the abundant life that Jesus came to give.

Larry Crabb, Don Michael Hudson, and Al Andrews, Men of Courage: God’s Call to Move beyond the Silence of Adam (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2013).